


Relapse

by fewlmewn (Shouriko)



Series: Recovery [2]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: Altered States, Anal Fingering, Blood and Gore, Humiliation, Lyrium Addiction, M/M, Masturbation, Pain, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicidal Thoughts, Torture, Wet Dream
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-29
Updated: 2016-02-14
Packaged: 2018-04-11 23:40:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4456958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shouriko/pseuds/fewlmewn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Covers the time between DA2 and DA:I (no spoilers):</p>
<p>The hardships inside the Gallows know no end, and just as Kirkwall started getting back on her feet, Cullen has to overcome yet another challenge, one that will endanger not only what he stands for, but his very self.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story picks up where Release left off. Some plot points of this work have been introduced in Release and some aspects of Release come to a close in this work. I'd recommend reading Release first, to understand where the dynamics between Cullen and Carver stand as of now.

His fingers trembled as he laid a hand on the pommel of his sword, saluting a plethora of nobles on his way to the Keep. It wasn't the tension that among them was very likely the next Viscount or Viscountess of Kirkwall, but it was the deprivation he'd been suffering for the past week. He longed for a sip of lyrium, he considered scavenging in some caves along the coast to see if there was any dust just conveniently laying around for him to mix into a potion, but it was a foolish idea, he couldn't have gone alone and bringing anyone else would've raised too many suspicions about the reason behind the strange outing. No, he could not go around digging for some lyrium like a rabid dog. But that was how he was starting to feel like, and he was on the brink of damning his own dignity to the Void. He bowed shallowly to a noble lady that smiled at him at the top of the Keep's stairwell and his head spun dangerously when he rose.

"Cullen?"

"Good day, Captain."

"What brings you all the way here?" Aveline laid the papers she was holding back down on her desk. The door to her office was open and there were but a couple of guards around so Cullen had helped himself and entered unannounced.

With a measure of urgency masked, as always, behind a façade of stoicism, he spoke.

"Any news from Val Royeaux? The Chantry?" She shook her head with a frown.

"Nothing yet. Starkhaven won't send a single sister, not until Vael lives. No word from Tantervale still. At this point I've half an idea to ask the sisters that are here to send word to Highever, but it'll take a while and the sailors speak of a storm coming. I'm so sorry Commander." She replied as if it was her fault.

"Yes, do that, please. It's getting quite urgent, the First Enchanter's reserves are running low. I'm doing all I can and so far the mages understand that if the Order goes without lyrium too long it won't benefit any of us, but words are useless if there's no dust to boot for anyone."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be, you've had it harder than me, with the Chantry and Hightown, and the mercenaries."

"I know, but I have my men, and none of them are at risk because of the lack of a Grand Cleric, your Order does. You're overworking yourself, Commander. I wish there was something I could do."

He was thinking of any possible solution to his and the Order's current problem, but only one came to mind.

"Aveline, Captain. There _is_ something you could do. Or rather, something I would like to ask you _not_ to do."

She looked at him, confused at what possible request he might have up his sleeve for her. Then it occurred to her.

"Commander Cullen, it's dangerous, especially during these times. I can't let you do that." She sounded like the Revered Mother did when he was still a boy. She sounded like his mother.

"Please. I have to do it." A miserable plea, but it was true. He did not care about his own shuddering and fogged vision, he just cared about the other Templars, he had to do it for them all.

She nodded with a grave expression and Cullen bowed in a fereldan fashion to her, as a sign of gratitude. She did the same and her features lit at that symbol of the heritage they shared. It was, however, but a glimpse of light in an otherwise dark moment for Kirkwall.

 

Funny how the Captain of the Guard was Fereldan and so was the Knight-Commander of the Templar Order. Although Cullen was more like Chantry property than his own, almost the entirety of his memories belonged to the Revered Mother or to Commander Greagoir. He had few precious moments to call his own and to cherish. But the irony of the current situation of Kirkwall struck him. If a new Grand Cleric came from Highever, there would be no authority native of the Free Marches. Even in the case of a new Viscount, it was more likely he or she would've been at the very least half Orlesian, as all nobles in the city were. The Champion was Fereldan as well, and as much as everyone wanted to banish Hawke from their thoughts for the events his companions had stirred, until a new conflict was started and ended at someone else's hand, Garrett Hawke remained the city's Champion. But he was gone. All were gone. Only Carver had remained. It was Cullen's only comfort sometimes. Even during his time as Captain, he hadn't bonded much with the other templars, whether they had been his subordinates or equals. But Carver was different, he knew something about him Cullen himself ignored. He felt at ease beside him, like the other man could've held him up if he ever fell, and he would've done the same for him.

And the sun was setting over the tall stone walls that surrounded him on every side, but Cullen kept walking into the impending dangers Darktown had in store for a templar.

He jogged past the old clinic. No trace of Anders behind, everything was gone. Maybe Varric had taken care of the mage's supplies. Only a pair of broken cots and blankets of spider webs engulfed everything. The dust piled up against the walls and suddenly Cullen felt vulnerable. If there was someone likely to kill him, they certainly hid around this part of town, and the deep ditches and mounds of filth would've served as perfect hiding spots for his rotting body in turn.

It was foolish of him to venture here by himself and in full templar gear on top of it all. But it had to be done and no one else needed to know about this.

Among the moth-eaten boards of wood that served as makeshift steps down a slope of dirt, was a clearing. He knew she would've been around here.

"Knight-Commander, what an honour. What brings you here?"

"I need your help."

The woman smirked and five other thugs came from behind the stone pillars at her left and right. Their daggers and bows were still in place, and Cullen hoped that keeping his own hands off the hilt of his sword would've have prevented them from unsheathing their weapons.

"Well, well. The mighty Knight speaks." She walked closer to him and he swallowed hard, helpless. He was completely exposed and all he could do was feign confidence, or outright drop all defences and show his intentions in all honesty. He settled for the second when a frown surged across his face, unrequested. "I have half an idea of what you might need of us, but hearing you ask for it will be the sweetest of melodies. Go on, what is it you wish of the Coterie?"

He hastily explained what she already knew and his cheeks flushed because Alarie saw right through him, as if she'd known everything. She saw his trembling fingers, the twitch of his eyelids and frequent blinking. She saw what she needed to know, what she was trained to pick up when facing an enemy, or a potential customer. He broke in a cold sweat that dampened his collar and his temples, making him shudder even more than the withdrawal symptoms were causing him to do.

"And how do you intend to pay? I heard the nobles became quite pissed off with you Templars when you couldn't prevent their precious Chantry from being blown up. No Grand Cleric, no Chantry donations. What could you possibly offer as payment for our services?" She walked in circles around him, like a predator.

"All I can offer is myself, Alarie. I hope that's enough for the Coterie."

"I'll make do. It's a pleasure doing business with you. I mean it."


	2. Chapter 2

Carver was coming to terms with Yene's decision. She seemed... happy. As happy as a Tranquil could get, anyhow. She started working in the courtyard not too much time later, and selling wares kept her busy, and the templar started looking her way with a gaze filled of longing and resignation, but also acceptance. If only the Rite could let her smile and laugh again, but along with the demons all of the other good things had vanished too. He trained strenuously, swinging his sword over his head so often lately his arms burned with exertion. But it was a good burn, he felt alive and it was all good. Cullen wasn't around much lately, and the other Captains were taking care of what needed to be tended to. The First Enchanter and her colleagues paced the Hall, chatting among their tight ring of robes and wooden staves. All was good.

Perhaps the Commander was taking some well-deserved rest after the hectic week of Harrowings and... Rites. He didn't see much of him for a good five days, after which he decided to have a word with him, to reassure him that he was doing well, that the pain of "losing" Yene was dulling down. The Commander wouldn't have had to worry about his well-being anymore, and Carver wanted to thank him once again for all he'd done.

But as he approached the Knight's office, Lenwen stepped outside her own room and with a grave expression asked him if he had perchance seen the Commander lately.

"No, I have not. Why?"

"I last saw him five days ago. Maybe he's fallen ill? No, he would've sent word for me to have some poultice made. Could you please check his quarters, Hawke?"

He nodded and the woman thanked him, and in a couple minutes he had crossed the whole Gallows. No answer came when he knocked on the commander's hard wooden door. It was locked, and he called but no one answered. He apologized internally before smashing the door handle with the hilt of his sword. The room was completely empty, the bed made, the bathtub empty and dry. The pitcher on the desk was empty as well and the cup held no water inside. The candle wasn't much shorter than last time he'd seen it, almost a week before. Cullen was gone, perhaps for as long as five days, when the First Enchanter had seen him last.

He rushed back to her office and reported the condition of the Commander's quarters and how everything hinted at the knight being gone for a length of time. Lenwen worried her bottom lip between her teeth before making a suggestion.

"I'm worried, Hawke. When I saw him he said he was going to the Keep to speak with the Captain of the Guard. Perhaps she knows what we don't." He swallowed hard and his feet turned back towards the door before she was even done speaking. He threw a thanks behind his shoulder as he exited the room, determined to reach Aveline as soon as possible, before sundown, at least.

The journey back to the Docks felt infinite and every glance he aimed towards the wide sea sickened him, the image of Cullen's floating, drowned body swimming before his eyes. As he ran across Lowtown it was the image of Cullen leaving Kirkwall with an heavy baggage across his back that followed him in his thoughts. He realized how much he'd grown to care about the Commander and how desperately he wanted to find him.

He knocked on Aveline's office and a voice from inside let him in. As soon as the woman saw Carver's worried expression, a similar one surfaced across her own features.

"Carver... I fear I know why you're here."

"Aveline, Cullen came to see you, didn't he?" He panted, holding his side.

"He did. What happened?" She inquired, stepping forward and around her desk.

"He hasn't been seen at the Gallows for five days."

"Five days?! Maker... Cullen, what mess have you gotten yourself into, this time?"

"What? Why?" He was confused and he wanted to know everything and anything Aveline might be able to tell him.

"He needs lyrium, Hawke."

"We all need it, it's running low but what does that have to do with anyt-"

"You don't understand. Cullen last took his lyrium at least a month ago. He's been saving his dose for everybody else. And the supply isn't running low, it's gone. The First Enchanter has no more, or so he told me. And he asked me... "

He was shocked to hear that, a month without lyrium was foolish, insane even. But then, thinking about everything, he remembered how the commander's fingers held the cup unsteadily, how his legs jerked, how he broke in a sweat in the middle of a conversation. All the signs of withdrawal. And Aveline knew something else.

"What? What did he ask?"

"He wanted to acquire some lyrium illegally. He asked me to turn the other way, pretend I didn't know what he wanted to do."

"And you did?"

"I don't know if I did. He certainly did a good job keeping it private. I have no idea what's happened after we talked. He just left in a hurry and now you tell me he's been gone five days."

Oh, Maker. He feared for what could've happened, he didn't want to think of it.

"And I suppose I cannot ask the Guard to look for him, can I?"

"Carver I-" Words meant nothing, there wasn't a single thing she could've done for him, that much was clear.

"Fine, just tell me where to look, I'll find him myself." He was now actively worrying at his temple, rubbing the skin there and trying to stay calm and focused.

"I'm so sorry, I have my hands tied with these things, you know."

"Aveline. Just tell me where he might have gone." He was losing his cool, but he had to keep a clear mind if he was to find the commander.

"Yes. Go speak with Athenril, you know where she is, right?"

How could he not, he'd spent a year in her clutches working his way into the city along with Garrett, he knew where she was. Although he despised her enough to frown whenever he passed by the Rose and she was out there, he was relieved to know Cullen went to her. She wasn't half bad and at worse Carver would've had to knock someone unconscious and snitch the commander from under her eyes. They would've laughed it off, Athenril was probably going to say something along the lines of "Hey, I tried making him work for me, but then you came." and they could've gone back to the Gallows all in one piece.

He nodded to Aveline and rushed out her office and the Keep. He didn't bow to her with his arms crossed over his chest, she didn't deserve it. As Captain of the Guard she could've sent some men to look for Cullen and hide everything they came up with after their searches if the commander had turned out to be indeed doing risky business with the smugglers, but she had preferred to play it safe and keep her guards to herself. Things at Viscount's Keep were heated enough without this problem coming to her attention, but still, she knew Cullen, he was a good man. Good enough to deserve a sodding search party. So no, he didn't feel grateful enough to her for what she'd told him to grace her with a bow. A dry nod was all she would've gotten from Carver for the flimsy lead she'd given him.

Athenril had better been more helpful than Aveline had been just now.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are finally setting into motion, and soon Cullen will be able to get the lyrium the Gallows very much need. But what will he have to go through to get it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the (very, very, ridiculously) long wait! But there you go, finally!

Why wait, when he could've started paying off his debt right away. Alarie had sworn the lyrium would've been delivered the next day if he stayed the night and worked towards repaying her for her services, and he was determined to do as much. What wasn't clear were the terms of payment, but Cullen was in no position to negotiate. He ignored the blurring of his vision, that swam as if he'd been held underwater, and he hid his hands behind his back because they were trembling. He focused into breathing evenly because his lungs forgot to do that from time to time, and his chest ached whenever he tried to speak.

Alarie said she had a plan to make Cullen pay off his debt, but it would've taken at least 24 hours to be put into action, and until then the commander could've helped train the Coterie thugs in sword fighting in exchange for a first small batch of potions, to be delivered directly to the Gallows the next evening, as an anonymous donation. He accepted.

Cullen wasn't scared about the woman's plan, whatever it might have been. Granted, he had gone to seek out her collaboration without leaving word behind of his intentions, but if something went wrong he was sure someone would've noticed and came to give him an hand in getting out of the mess, if it came to that. But the Coterie didn't mess things up very often, and the past few years had been a black spot in their ledgers, but just because of the Champion's constant journeys through Darktown and his trips to the underground. Apart from that period that had been rather embarrassing for the Coterie's fame, they did things smoothly, and if they ever got blood on their hands it would've been washed off by morning light. Cullen had asked Aveline to turn the other way for him, she had agreed. Now he was just hoping that if it ever came to having bloodied hands, it would've been his hands, and not his blood on Alarie's.

It hadn't been exactly the easiest of work days, but he had already accepted and when the woman led him down to the tunnels to what could've been called the Coterie's quarters and training grounds, he discarded his sword and shield in favour of the ones she offered.

The whole night was spent fencing and dodging blows. The thugs didn't wield fake weapons, and a distraction could've been fatal.

At one point in the middle of the night a wounded woman came in, supported by two other men, and she was brought to the makeshift infirmary. One of the apostates who worked for the Coterie, what they called an alchemist, started using healing spells on the gaping wound on the bandit's side. Cullen was enraptured by the sight of the criminal mage healing one of his own and was torn between feeling contempt towards the man for being a dangerous apostate and feeling nothing in particular when he saw his spells we're all but deadly. He considered coming back, much later, to bring the alchemist, and others like him, to justice, perhaps if he came accompanied by other templars they could've brought the man to the Gallows without too much of an effort. He was a powerful mage who would've benefitted from a stay at the Circle, that much could be seen because the skin on the woman's hip stitched together beautifully, only reddened and sore but with an expanse of freshly created flesh where the hole once had been. But whatever plan Cullen had already concocted regarding coming back here, perhaps with the city guard, to expose the Coterie's refuge was shattered when his lengthy distraction opened a spot for his opponent who flanked him with a swift blow.

He thanked the Maker for the resistance of Templar armour when the sword made the metal vibrate all around his torso, and he knew a big bruise would've graced his hip soon.

The thug he was currently training looked at him dead in the eye, and Cullen contemplated that the man must've have known telepathy from the way he shook his head and made an explicit gesture at him that meant "Come back with backup to shut us down and you won't see the sun ever again.". He apologized internally, half convinced the bandit could've indeed read his thoughts and bowed shallowly before resuming the fighting.

When the training finally came to an end, he was exhausted. His tired body let him down gradually more and more as the sun was rising up again, and by the end of it he had taken more blows like the first one and his abdomen felt like a giant bruise covering him from the collar of his undershirt to the belt of his templar robes. He was sweaty and the dust raised during the endless sparring clung to his skin, making him look as tan as if he'd spent a week at sea in nothing but breeches. When all were gone, he walked over to Alarie and saw she was writing several letters that, from afar, looked like they bore the same text.

"I'm making arrangements for your payment." She giggled back at him as he approached. "You look like shit. There's a privy down this side tunnel, get cleaned up and then there's a vacant bedroll you can use to rest until the evening. By then I'll be able to set your payment in motion, you'll want to be rested." Of course there was no way for him to go back to the Gallows until the payment had been set, and he was not sure he could've explained to the Knight-Captains why he looked like a beggar and was full of dark marks across his ribs. He nodded in acknowledgement at the woman and as he went she noticed he limped a little and called to him.

"If you got any wounds ask for Marcus, he can heal you." That was probably the name of the Alchemist healer he had indulged over a few hours earlier.

He cleaned himself as thoroughly as the resources allowed, and rinsed the brown cloth full of dirt and dust in an equally filthy barrel of water but left it at that. He drug himself over to the apostate and when the man asked him to sit on the cot and raise his robes he knew there was something going on. The man knew exactly what to look for.

"A sprained ankle. Jod'han didn't hold back, did he? He likes to cripple his enemies, but when we're training I always end up having my hands full of broken bones. Brace yourself." Marcus removed his boot carefully, and Cullen wanted to ask why he should've braced himself for a simple sprained ankle, but when the warm hand of the mage splayed over his skin, the rush of magic made him moan embarrassingly. In his mouth came the metal tang of lyrium and over his whole body rushed a rejuvenating wave. The mage was good, or maybe he was just smugly making an excessive display of his abilities. Either way Cullen felt amazingly and the soreness was nearly gone, even though the bruises on his torso were probably still there.

"Alarie told us you were gonna come for the lyrium thing sooner or later. We bet you were gonna go to Athenril but here you are. And I lost 20 silver." He laughed while he was rubbing a soothing salve on the area he'd just healed, probably to prevent any swelling. Cullen was enraptured by the man's movements, and he'd been so long since he last got hit by magic and since he last tasted the lyrium on the roof of his mouth. The templar licked his lips almost eagerly and the mage caught him as he did. "Sorry, I have lyrium but I really cannot give you any. We don't do charity, ya know. But if you do your side of the deal the Gallows will be fuelled and going in no time." He patted amicably his leg and pulled down the robes he'd raised minutes earlier.

This felt all too strange to Cullen, he never would've imagined this, whatever it was. He ran his eyes over the apostate, now that his body didn't fog his mind with aches. Marcus looked familiar, somehow. He was tall and had dark blonde hair and green, clear eyes, almost yellow when the light hit them. He wore Coterie robes that were different in shape from the Gallows', but when he pictured the man in Circle robes it hit him.

"I remember you. They brought you in a few weeks before the conflict broke out."

"That's right. I ran off in the middle of the rubble. The Coterie's powerful enough I feel safe staying in town even with templars at every corner. Bet you're dying to throw me over your shoulder and drag me back, aren't you?"

"You're a very good healer, and the Circle would be glad to have you."

"What a flatterer. I've heard from inside that things changed with you in charge. But still, I'd rather stay here and earn my living. Not honestly, granted, but at least I get paid for what I can do instead of having my hands tied and practice fireballs at a templar's whim. Sorry but not interested." He responded with a smirk. "Well, I've patched you up, you better get some rest before tonight. Don't you have some lyrium to earn?" He glanced down to Cullen's hands and he said so and the templar did the same, noticing how he was shaking, without even noticing. He balled his hands in fists, hoping to hide the symptoms somehow, but it was mostly out of shame for having his addiction found out so blatantly.

When he woke up and rose from his bedroll his stomach loudly protested and as soon as he had reached the common area someone handed him a bowl of stew and a spoon with a grunt. It was clear he wasn't welcome there but soon he would've settled his debt and gone his way, as if nothing had happened.

In the late afternoon Alarie approached him to explain her plan to him.

"Sit down, you're probably not gonna like what I'm thinking of doing."

"Oh, is that so?" He sat down politely, keeping his hands fisted in his lap. The short nap did nothing to calm his nerves and cold droplets of sweat were already forming at his brow. She could've told him he had to go to the Fade and fight a hundred demons to get his lyrium and he still would've honoured the deal, he didn't care what it took.

"Let's say I have some people that could cover for the expenses of your lyrium. In exchange, they want you." She stated matter-of-factly, as if that much had been clear since the beginning, but Cullen was caught by surprise.

"Excuse me? Want me how?" He short of stuttered, on the verge of panicking.

"These people are nobles, very wealthy nobles, and there are others, too. But they'd all pay anything to have a chance to... see you."

"What?"

"Ugh, Commander." She huffed loudly and hit the desk with her fists, it was almost as if Cullen was urging her to say something she didn't want to, but he had to know. He jumped on his chair and it took all his resolve to keep calm. "You're a templar. These nobles are the parents or relatives of some mages your Order has messed up in some way or another. They want revenge, and if I give it to them, they're willing to pay handsomely for it."

No one said a word and the heaviest of silences descended upon them. Then Cullen, after some thinking, spoke up.

"Tell me what I have to do." And she smiled at him, full of malice and something else.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carver's turning every rock to find a trail, and he has to ask the help from an unlikely ally.

He crossed Hightown, the two-handed strapped on his back was a weight he acknowledged gravely. Outside of the Blooming Rose was a small crowd of people waiting to go inside who looked at him like he was out of place. Carver indeed, was. Templars out past sunset were unlikely, especially around the Rose, unless they actually went inside to do whatever business interested them of late.

But Hawke walked along a side alley a few feet from the small clearing outside the Rose and knocked on a door he knew all too well.

A peephole opened and he heard latches being loosened and the door opened after a bit of fumbling had been done. A familiar boy, a few years younger than Carver came out and greeted him.

"I can't imagine a Templar wanting to do some work for us, what brings you here Carv?"

"Is Athenril in? It's kinda serious, Will." He answered patting the elven boy's wiry shoulder.

"I'll see what I can do. Wait here." And he slipped back inside, shutting the door behind him. After a couple of minutes Carver spent pacing the narrow alley, the door opened again and Athenril came out to see what the visitor wanted.

"Willow told me you've got something urgent you wanna talk about. Speak up. Is it about Garrett? Because I haven't seen him after he left- "

"No, it's not about my brother. I'm here for Commander Cullen."

"Yeah, what of him." She leaned against the doorframe.

"He's been go-" Carver changed approach, better play it safe. "Did he come here?" He inquired cautiously.

"No, last I saw him was about two months ago, he came to the Rose to tell Lusine to cancel the reservation for the usual room templars booked to do their nasty business. I saw him going back and forth around here but I haven't seen him directly. Why? Did something happen."

A shadow descended upon Carver's face, darkening his expression. If Athenril wasn't lying, and what she'd said was too detailed to have been made up, then where had the commander gone?

"I... he... the Commander's gone. We ran out of lyrium without the Chantry backing us up and all, and he went to Aveline asking her to look the other way while he tried to acquire some illegally. We... I thought he came to you. You smuggle lyrium nearly every month, I know it. But if he's not here, then..."

She shut him up, a worried expression had formed across her features as well.

"Listen to me Carver, I know you, I don't want anything to happen to you. If the Commander didn't come to me then he went to Darktown."

"The Coterie? That's suicide!"

"We know that, but Cullen doesn't. But there's nothing you can do now, not without a plan."

"Aveline won't help me." He moaned, discouraged and full of frustration.

"I could help you."

"What do you want?" He had nothing to offer in exchange for her help.

"Killing Coterie scum and snatching some of their supplies is enough for us. Carver, I have your back. Let's not involve the Order, though. I have some apostates who could help, but don't come in templar armour, alright? I'll wait for you tomorrow morning at dawn at the Docks." He nodded and couldn't refrain from hugging her tightly. She'd been the blighted bastard at times, but right now she was all he could've hoped for. He'd hoped to find Cullen unscathed at the Smuggler's place too, but that hadn't really gone as expected. With the recent turn of events, having some Coterie-hating smugglers as backup was the best he could get.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very short chapter, I know, but the next is going to be fairly long, as it'll describe Cullen's "payment" to the Coterie for their... services.  
> As always thanks for sticking with me and for reading this far. Comments and feedback are welcome! :)


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